You know every once in a while I feel like climbing to the top of the Empire State Building, much like King Kong, swatting away my lifes problems helicopters and screaming roaring at the top of my lungs.
Being that I’ve had anxiety/panic attacks for going on ten years now, I’ve come to realize I have “rational fears” and then I have “irrational fears”.
My rational fears being the ones every parent/person has in their day to day life and the irrational ones being the crazy ones I know are more than likely not going to happen but I feel the need to voice my concern about them anyway becaue if I don’t my mind will work overtime thinking about all the what if scenarios and I’ll end up being taken away to a comfortable 10X10 padded apartment. I’ve come to realized this can annoy some people or make them a tad bit defensive, but sometimes I have to say certain things to put my own mind at rest.
Let me give you an example, since my plight with anxiety began I have become uncomfortably aware of every physical feeling my body can throw at me. I may feel a spasm in a muscle. I feel the compultion to tell my husband about it for fear that it could turn into something far worse. My reason for this is… so that in the event I pass out, he can tell the doctors “she said she had a spasm in her neck earlier” thus saving my life. I know! Completely irrational right? Unfortunately since my anxiety started this is how my crazy mind seems to work. Sigh! Now throw in having a child with special needs and I am just one big ball of sensitive, irrational, and over protective craziness plagued with irrational what if thoughts.
I’m trying to work on it but it’s a lot harder than one would think. You see when my anxiety started, at first I didn’t know what it was and every time I’d have a panic attack I would avoid the place I had it, the food I was eating, and anything I thought might have triggered it, thus creating my irrational fears. Now a handful of prescription med peddlers doctors, phsycologists, and meds later I’m still an anxiety sufferer just trying to take it one day at a time and some days are better than others. Unfortunately, I understand that not everyone gets it and some people can be darn right insensitive but right now this is my crazy life, I didn’t ask for it, would be happy to be rid of it (the anxiety not my life..lol), it’s not perfect but it’s a work in progress, hopefully moving in the right direction.
2 thoughts on “My Crazy Mind..”
I have my share of irrational fears and I thought that was bad enough. It must be really difficult for you since some people don’t understand it. I hope you continue to find ways to deal with it so you can enjoy your life and family.
It’s nice when every once in a while someone gets you. The down side is when you loose a friend or people make judgements about you without really taking the time to get to know you. Thanks for the well wishes!