A month or so ago one of the crowns in my mouth came loose and due to a lack of fundage I decided to use Fixodent to keep it in until I could afford to replace it. Well last night while enjoying a big bowl of my hubby’s baked ziti I ended up swallowing said tooth. Now I wouldn’t care if it was in the back of my mouth, but nope it’s close to the front. Just my luck right?!

I immediately start looking online to see what you do if you swallow a crown and post. The hypochondriac in me wanted to make sure the post wasn’t big enough to puncture any vital organs. I know I’m a freak! If you have a weak stomach this next part of the story is not for you.

SO, I didn’t know that people swallow their crowns all the time, the thought didn’t even occur to me, and apparently when you swallow a crown you have two choices:

A. You can go to the dentist, pay a frickin’ fortune x amount of dollars and have them build you a brand new crown.

OR

B. You can wait till it passes, collect it, clean it, and take it to the dentist where they’ll sterilize it for you and put it back in your mouth.

After calling the dentist and finding out it would cost me $600+ to replace my crown, option 2 started to sound reasonable.

I know what you’re thinking…

Oh my god would she really put that back in her mouth?

Well, when you’re financially strapped and run the possibility of living up to the stigma of a Florida redneck in all her toothless glory, things you’d normally say “No Fucking Way” to suddenly sound plausible.

I went back to my trusty laptop and started to research how to recoup the tooth now making its way through my digestive system. I found the one idea I thought to be the least messy and waited…

I can’t believe I’m doing this kept echoing in my head.

I followed the instructions and set the baggie up.

Go on laugh it up!

The idea was to go in said baggie and then feel for something hard, well of course nothing ever goes my way and the baggie ended up having a pin sized hole in it.

Strike one!

The first pan for gold turned up nothing, but instead left me scrubbing my hands with soap and bleach water for a few hours.

Not to be defeated, I, glutton for punishment, decide to give it one more try using a different method. Well let’s just say that method 2 wasn’t much better than method 1 and I still came up empty handed.

I called my husband in tears, telling him that even if I found my crown, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to be able to put it back in my mouth.

For one my family and friends would NEVER let me live it down and the “your breath smells like shit” and “someone’s talking shit” jokes would get old real quick.

Secondly, now that I’d panned my own poop for tooth, the thought of putting it back into my mouth was, to say the least, nauseating.

So after a brief phone call to my husband, some tears and a joke about whether I should buy a $3.48 box of Raisin Bran or pay $600 at the dentist hubby said to go ahead and make the appointment.  So now, I have to refill my Xanax prescription gear myself up for the dentist visit.

Did I mention  I’m terrified of dentists?

I seriously cry the moment my ass touches the chair! But you know what? As far as I’m concerned being a blubbering, anxious, mess in front of my dentist is better than putting a shitty tooth back in my mouth any day. Wish me luck!