life – Coffee, Chocolate & Xanax

Lens-Artist Challenge #243 – It’s Tricky – Do you see what I see?

Published on April 2, 2023April 2, 2023 by Coffee, Chocolate & Xanax4 Comments

Do you see it?

Bear with me, this challenge is a little tricky. See what I did there? Everyone loves a pun, right?

I was ever so kindly invited to join the Len-Artists Challenge by Donna over at Wind Kisses. However, after seeing some of the brilliant and oh so cleverly creative photos I feel sheepishly amateur and completely like a fish out of water. You all are so brilliant, I mean that whole heartedly.

It’s tricky starting out in photography. There’s so much to learn. Aperture, ISO, shutter speed… cameras, settings, lenses… it can all become quite overwhelming. I think that’s why, sometimes, I alternate between my camera and my IPhone… well, that and convenience. Being creative can also be challenging, knowing when, where or what you want to shoot, but I digress…

I do love that moment when something catches your eye and sparks an idea, like the bear I saw above in the bark of a sycamore tree, riddled with holes created by a Red-headed Woodpecker, in my backyard.

I really enjoy playing with my camera even if I don’t always necessarily understand how I arrived at a shot, but like you say “the fun part is the journey.” Here are a few of my favorite shots, each a little tricky in there own way. thanks again for the invite.

Childhood Memories

Published on March 31, 2023April 1, 2023 by Coffee, Chocolate & Xanax6 Comments

When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I used to love thumbing through the stack of National Geographic magazines we had in our house when I was little. My love of nature was influenced by how much time we spent exploring the outdoors and also by the likes of Jane Goodall, Dian Fossey, David Bellamy and Sir David Attenborough. I loved the Life On Earth television series and Attenborough’s captivating passion for conservation. Bellamy was always fun to watch as he got right in there with plants and insects. I was mesmerized by Goodall’s interactions with Chimpanzees and Fossey’s work humanizing Silverback Gorillas. I often dreamed of visiting the far off regions explored in the shows and on the vibrant pages of those magazines. I dreamed of being a traveler, exploring and loving nature the same way my idols did. I wanted to be a photographer, I wanted to be the person who brought these places, people, animals and art to life on those pages I poured over in the magazines. I had one hell of an imagination when I was young, a fearless spirit and a love for learning. Sometimes I wish I could tap back into that kid and capture just an ounce of her unshakable confidence and her unwavering trust in humanity.

The Hardest Conversation

Published on August 1, 2019September 2, 2022 by Coffee, Chocolate & Xanax2 Comments

This is long so please bare with me!

Seeing all the posts about Cameron Boyce conjured up a lot of emotions, maybe because I knew Meg would be seeing it too and now she’d be exposed to some of the ugly truths that were out there and associated with epilepsy. It made me reflect a lot on our own journey and how things have evolved and changed as she’s gotten older.

When I opened my phone and read the news I froze. It hit me like a punch in the gut! My heart began to ache as it often does when I see these tragedies in some of the groups I’m in and when I think about how some of the foundations like Danny Did and Chelsea Hutchinson came to be.

I wondered how Meg would react to the news? When she was little it was easier to shield her and keep everything happy and positive, but now she’s almost 17, the information is out there, and she was going to see it!

We live in a social media culture where a smorgasbord of information is available at our fingertips. The internet is unedited, its raw and it can be pretty harsh. News like Cameron Boyce’s death is often splashed all over the internet in mass amounts without any thought for who might be reading it. People make assumptions without facts and lose filters they’d normally have in person. Emotions run high and it can be overwhelming.

I’m not speaking sanctimoniously, it’s been a learning moment for me too, I’ll admit I’ve participated in this culture. We see a post and are quick to post our fears not thinking who might be on the receiving end. At the same time the good parts of social media aren’t lost on me as I know the power and global reach of social media when it comes to raising awareness. A double edged sword I guess?!

When Meg was little we advocated hard, I was fiercely protective and unapologetic for it. We were in and out of hospitals, and I wanted to protect her in any and every way I could. I wanted to learn everything and put all that information out there, because in my mind the more people knew about epilepsy the safer she was. I took a lot of flack from moms who said a lot of hurtful things and gave very critical, unsolicited advice. I was often written off as hypersensitive or as a “helicopter mom” that one was used a lot! The truth is, most of the time, I really just needed friends. It can be a difficult journey and as parents we beat ourselves up plenty, wondering if we’ve made the right decision on the meds, the procedures, the doctors, the hospitals, the care, etc… If you really want to help someone be a friend, be inclusive and don’t judge, but I digress!

We made some unbelievably supportive friends online (one of the most positive parts of social media for us) and we even got to meet a few of them when we ventured to D.C. to participate in the National walk for Epilepsy, but as Meg got older and as kids became assholes (like they do in middle and high school) Meg decided she wanted to be a bit more private and I respected her wishes.

When we told Meg about Cameron she thought it was a hoax, but we told her his family had confirmed and we saw her mind start to churn. She’s been a huge fan of Cameron since he was on Jessie and most recently as Carlos in Descendants. We knew throughout the day she would be bombarded with all the posts and comments. She was going to have questions!

“Mom he died from a seizure!”

I thought carefully about how to respond.

I explained that a seizure doesn’t always mean epilepsy. There are many addictions and other disorders that can result in seizures and told her we shouldn’t assume anything.

A few days later it was confirmed that Cameron did, in fact, have epilepsy. We talked about how there are many different types of epilepsy, the importance of taking meds and safety. We discussed how we wish we’d known Cameron was epileptic and I explained that while some people choose to use their fame as a platform to raise awareness others like their privacy.

We continued to have little chats here and there, but as the articles seemed to quiet so did Meg’s questions and up until today she seemed okay with it all!

Today was hard!

Meg saw a post from one of Cameron’s co-stars in Descendants. Apparently Descendants 3 comes out tomorrow and the co-star has posted a tribute.

“Mom Cameron had epilepsy and he died from a seizure…” she paused and rubbed her face. I could tell she wanted to ask me something, but was struggling.

“It’s okay baby you can tell me what your thinking.”

“I just don’t know how to say it!”

I knew what she wanted to say, I had been dreading this moment.

I took a deep breath and said you’re wondering because Cameron had epilepsy and he died from a seizure if the the same could happen to you?

She looked at me like I’d lifted a huge weight off of her and hugged me really tight!

“He was 20 mom!”

I’ve always been honest with her and as hard as I knew it was going to be I had to finally tell her about SUDEP (sudden unexplained death in epilepsy). I explained that it was rare and just because this had happened to Cameron didn’t mean it would happen to her. We don’t know everything that led up to Cameron’s death, if he’d missed his meds, if he’d been drinking, etc… we talked again about the the different types of epilepsy, the importance of taking meds and keeping your doctor informed of changes. I told her how all disorders have risks from diabetes to heart disorders. Her eyes welled up…

“There are days I don’t mind being epileptic and there are days I hate it, today I hate it!”

My throat tightened!

“I know! I wish so much I could take it from you, but this is one thing I can’t fix baby I’m so sorry!”

I could feel my eyes starting to well up too.

We both hugged each other and cried. In that moment I just wanted to take it all away, all her pain and all her fear. I don’t know if I handled it well? How do you handle such a hard question? So I did the only thing I could in that moment…

“Oh my goodness, Meg your crying and I’m crying and it’s raining, we’re a hot mess!”

She threw her head back and laughed glad, I think, that I’d injected a little humor into the conversation. She looked at her watch.

“Why are you looking at your watch?”

Meg smiled at me through her tears.

“I was just thinking it would be funny if daddy walked in right now!”

“Oh my gosh, right!”

We hugged some more and Meg grabbed her phone. I was glad we were able to laugh a little and she seemed content with everything we’d talked about.

“I love you Mommy!”

“I love you too!”

We snuggled and watched some videos together and while it had been a difficult moment my heart swelled with pride at how well she handled everything.

2016 Lets Do This

Published on January 3, 2016September 2, 2022 by Coffee, Chocolate & XanaxLeave a comment

In 2016 I’m dusting off the keyboard, grabbing a coffee, and giving the old blog another go. Lots of things have happened to our family since I last put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard (depending on how you look at it). We were lucky enough to experience the National Epilepsy Walk in D.C. twice and on the second trip we were able to raise a little over $2000 to support the Epilepsy Foundation.

Our first trip to D.C. was filled with so much emotion. I Think I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people and often felt as though my attention span was minute due to complete sensory overload. One of the highlights was being able to finally meet some of the friends we’d made through Talk About It. There were moments of joy as we hugged and shared our excitement, as well as moments of sadness remembering our friends lost to epilepsy.

As we took everything in and headed over to the start line we spotted Rick Harrison from Pawn Stars, Coach Jerry Kill of the Minnesota Gophers, and Philip Gattone the current president and CEO of the Epilepsy Foundation, all of whom are champions of the cause due to their own personal journeys with epilepsy.

I don’t know what I expected, but seeing the sea of purple shirts and knowing each one was fighting the same battle as our little girl brought tears to my eyes. Words can’t explain how I felt as I explained to Meg all of those purple shirts were people with epilepsy just like her. Her expression was surprise and her response was disbelief… “REALLY?”

Our walk was also made special because my best friend and her daughter, who is Meg’s best friend, was able to come and walk with us. As they kicked off the national walk, a band began to play, people were smiling and holding up signs for their loved ones. Memories and friendships were being made as people snapped photos and marched together as one.

As we followed the motion of the crowd we would break away with small groups and visit different monuments. It was our first time in Washington D.C. so we wanted to take it all in, so many landmarks and so much history.

We didn’t realize how big the National Mall was and really should’ve worn something other than Converse sneakers. Even though our feet and legs hurt we were able to cross the finish line.

We loved our trip so much we made it back the following year and even designed our own team Meghan t-shirts. The 2015 walk fell on the same day as the blossom festival so we were able to see all the trees in full bloom.

We’d like to give a huge shout out to all of the people who put the walk together year after year, Ken Lowenburg, Philip Gattone, Greg Grunberg, Jerry Kill, Rick Harrison, all of the hard working volunteers and families that help raise money and make it an enjoyable and memorable experience.