Tag: Anxiety

Mental Health Check

Published on by Coffee, Chocolate & Xanax3 Comments

Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the Action. You don’t have to be confident. Just do it and the confidence will follow. Carrie Fisher

I always admired Carrie Fisher’s feisty, unapologetic spirit! She empowered and inspired little girls, in the 80’s like me with her role as Princess Leia. She was superbly funny in real life and a strong advocate for mental health! ❤️

It took a long time for me to call my anxiety/panic disorder a mental health issue because of the stigmas associated with using the label “mental health”. Over the years it was implied through movies and other outlets that someone (usually women) with mental health issues were crazy, incapable, irrational, prone to mental break downs/outbursts and likely to end up in some form of institutional care. These broad stroke perceptions of mental health have denied women proper treatment, caused many to suffer in silence and some to take their own lives.

In the words of Jessie J “it’s okay not to be okay” and it’s okay to ask for help! Having a mental health issue doesn’t mean you lack intelligence or that you’re weak and it definitely doesn’t mean you’re incapable of achieving personal goals or successes! I can’t tell you how many times people have assumed I can’t do something because of my “anxiety”, I have even been told I’m lucky my husband is a good guy and has stuck around for so long, as if I possessed no other qualities or worth. Those words definitely hurt, but more so showed me there is still a huge lack of understanding and support when it come to mental health.

If you have a mental health issue please make time talk with someone you trust and get the help you need. Know your worth! Surround yourself with people who don’t see your mental health as a hindrance of your abilities, because you need people you can be candid with, who will lift you and support you without judgement. It’s not easy and I’m not naive to the struggle!

So, I’ll leave you with something I journaled that is deeply personal, unfinished, evolving, but if it helps one person know they’re not alone it’s worth it…

I am not perfect…

I struggle with anxiety and depression and feeling like I’m failing. I struggle with not being able to fix things that are out of my control. I struggle to find purpose.

I struggle!

Some days those struggles leave me with nothing to give. I’m overwhelmed! I’m exhausted! I’m bruised and broken!

I struggle!

I struggle with fear and feeling not good enough, but I know those feelings are temporary and will pass.

I struggle, but…

there are also days I feel like super woman! I get things done! I crush it! I give one hundred and ten percent of myself to my family and others! I am faithful, loyal, trustworthy, loving, empathetic, creative and worthy!

I am enough!

Inner Demons

Published on by Coffee, Chocolate & XanaxLeave a comment

Anxiety, the quiet demon in my life, keeps my body in perpetual fear.  It’s the uneasy feeling in your chest, lack of strength in your legs, nausea in your stomach, lack of confidence, the tightness in your throat as you choke back tears and the fear of judgement!

Anxiety is a daily struggle.

Anxiety isolates you.

Anxiety makes you question your abilities.

Anxiety makes you weak.

Anxiety is a confidence killer.

Anxiety is fear of the unknown.

Anxiety is lack of control.

Anxiety is hell.

I will not let anxiety define me.

For every step backwards I will push forward two.

Failure is okay because failure is where success begins.

Every day is a gift and a chance to start over.

Strength comes from within.

Love and respect are earned.

I am a survivor!

 

A Seizure at School

Published on by Coffee, Chocolate & Xanax10 Comments

Last Tuesday I got a call from one of the nurses at Meg’s school telling me my little girl was having a seizure.  The nurse couldn’t give me a lot of information, she told me a boy from the class had just come down and the other nurse had just left to go treat her.

“We’re on our way!” is all I could say before hanging up.

My mind began to race though a gazillion questions…

Did she fall? Was she in the classroom? Was she with an adult? Oh god the stairs! Did it happen in the lunchroom?  Was she hurt?

I could feel the back of my throat start to tighten and the tears start to well up in my eyes.

Stop it!  You have to keep it together!

I could feel anxiety starting in my chest and I was so glad my husband was home to drive and keep me grounded. Half way to the school the phone rang again and this time the nurse was able to tell us to head straight for the classroom once we got there!

It didn’t take long for us to get to Meg’s school, but it felt as though it took much, much longer!  As we walked up the stair to her classroom, my heart was still racing, and I just wanted to see my baby girl.  When we entered the classroom Meghan was lying on the floor, with the nurse by her side, throwing up.  I sat down on the floor in front of her to let her know we were there and to make sure she wasn’t still seizing.  Her eyes were a little dilated, she looked dazed, but she was definitely coming out of the seizure.  I scooped her up, held her in my arms and then I saw her teachers face, she was visibly shaken by the whole event.  She kept looking at me and saying… God Bless you! God Ble… I had no idea! I have such a new found respect for you! Again I could feel my throat tighten, I told her Meg was fine and asked her if she was okay.  I could see tears in her eyes and the concern on all of their faces and it felt good to know so many people were caring for my daughter.

It’s crazy how time can pass when you’re dealing with an emergency, sometimes minutes can seem like hours and yet, other times, it can feel like everything has happened in seconds and before you know it 20 minutes have gone by.  I think this is why there was a little confusion about how long Meg had seized!

From what I understand, the kids had just come back from lunch and they had put up tri-fold partitions to get ready for practice testing.  The teacher had noticed Meg’s partition didn’t look right and had tried to get her attention, but Meg had not responded.  Upon standing the teacher realized that Meg was having a seizure.  The kids were lined up and led out! Thankfully they didn’t really see much because of the dividers.  Meg was moved to the floor and laid her on her side.  From what the teachers described everything sounded characteristic of Meg’s normal seizures.  I gave Meg’s teacher a hug, thanked everyone and we headed home!

Once home we put a call in to her neurologist and gave Meg something for her headache. She slept for quite a while, which is pretty normal after having a seizure. By supper time Meg was more like herself, but we kept her home an extra day to make sure. It was so nice to receive calls and messages from the teachers and her friends; I honestly think it made her feel a little less nervous about it all.

Two days later, she went back to school and it was so hard to let her go!  Of course, I know things needed to be as normal as possible for her, but as her mom I just wanted to wrap her up in my arms and keep her home! I’ll admit I did walk her to class the first day back!  Her teachers all seemed confident and told me they were ready if she were to have another seizure.  Her friend had made cupcakes for her coming back and the kids went on as if nothing had happened, which I think was really important for her.

I can’t say I’m not nervous about another seizure happening at school, this was her second, but it helps to know her school is prepared and willing to stand by her and do whatever they can to make sure she’s safe.

Random Ramblings and Fears

Published on by Coffee, Chocolate & Xanax8 Comments

Today I feel like an emotional basket case! I haven’t blogged in a while and it’s not for lack of wanting to it’s because I didn’t and still don’t quite know how to express what I’m feeling! There’s so much going on in my personal life and I tend to have a hard time separating my feelings into categories! Family… check! Epilepsy… check, check! Instead they all mull around in my brain and make me feel overwhelmed and a tad over emotional!

Meghan has been doing great all things considered! I know I’ve mentioned to some of you about the remedial reading course she’s taking in order to be promoted to 4th grade. She loves her teacher and she seems to be progressing nicely! My only worry is they don’t have a nurse on staff or someone who can administer diazepam if she were to need it. Luckily we live literally less than a block away from the school where the class is being offered! Not that it makes it any easier, I stress about it constantly, but I can get there in about a min if anything were to happen! I am definitely going to approach the school board about making sure someone is available for those programs in the future.

Last week Meg had another seizure! It was upon waking and started out with the usual swallowing episodes, but quickly turned to what sounded like choking and she started to turn blue. I know these things have a tendency to go hand in hand with seizures, but it didn’t make it any easier to watch. I’m used to dealing with focal seizures that progress into leg and arm twitching, her blank stare, random noises, but the last few she’s had are much more violent with thrashing, tongue biting, choking sounds and it kills me! I know she doesn’t remember them, but I can’t seem get them out of my head and I’m petrified. I’m scared to death of SUDEP and the seizures not stopping! I feel like lately I’ve been in a constant state of worry and fear. Recently the doctor suggested and scheduled a PET scan and told me these are generally done to determine whether or not your child is eligible for surgery.

Surgery… another thing that scares the bejeezus out of me! Will it work? Won’t it work? How do I explain it to her? How the hell do I get through it and stay strong if she is a candidate? Will she come back to me the same way she went in? What happens if something goes wrong? What if it doesn’t work? What if it does?

STOP! Take a deep breath! You aren’t there yet! One day at a time! Stop living in the what ifs and live in the present! It’s hard to do sometimes, but I feel as though I constantly have to remind myself to do this! It feels like I’m always preparing for the worst. When we go out, in my head I’m thinking, where’s the safest place to take her if something happens so we can administer her rescue meds? What if someone tries to capture it on a cell phone?

Stress? Yeah! I feel as though I’ve come to know her quite well.

So on days like today, when Meg is at school and I feel like a complete and utter emotional nutcase, I realize I need to take a few moments to let it all out! I have to allow myself, at least for few moments, to take off the happy mask and release what I’m feeling from that box in my head labeled Place Emotions Here! It doesn’t make me weak! It doesn’t make me crazy! It doesn’t make me a bad mom! I think it allows me to process what I’m feeling and get my feelings into check so I can be level headed and taken seriously when it comes time to make decisions, meet with people or answer question. It also allows me to release all those fears and live in the present with my daughter, to laugh with her and teach her life lessons.

I’m not perfect, I’m still learning how to manage all the emotions that come along with epilepsy let alone the ones associated with just being a Mom! I can tell you I’m beautifully flawed and I say this because I know the emotions I feel come out of a place of complete and utter love for my child! I still get nervous and scared, but I’m also a fighter! I want my child to live and to succeed to the very best of her ability! I may cry and beat myself up every once in a while and I might have to learn through mistakes along the way, but I will do everything in my ability to make sure that happens.