A close friend once posted a quote that said…
“You don’t know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have left!”
Truer words have never been spoken.
I can’t explain what it’s like to see your child’s body take hold of her, to watch helplessly as her eyes at first petrified become a vacant stare and her body convulses. You begin to panic, the seconds feel like hours and you can hear yourself tell her over and over your there, you love her and everything will be okay. You want nothing more than to hold her and rock her but you have to lay her down, keep her airway clear, hope to god she doesn’t stop breathing, call the doctor and pray for it to be over soon. When her body finally releases her you breath, you scoop her up, hold her tight and then fear sets in… it might not be over, it might happen again.
Luckily she doesn’t remember much, a blessing maybe? When she was little we didn’t have to explain it, it just was. Now she’s older she knows going to sleep at home and waking up in a hospital with your head wrapped and things attached to you isn’t normal and I can see her little mind struggling to understand it all. We explain it as simply as we know how, we have books, we’ve talked about it openly, but this time it’s different, because she understands.
I’ve done my best to be strong the past few days but right now, while the house is silent and my family sleeps, all I can do is cry. My heart aches for my daughter and I don’t know how to make this all okay for her. I don’t know how to explain why? I see the fear and confusion in her eyes and I realize this isn’t something I can fix or kiss away. I know I have to be strong for her, I have to teach her how beautiful she is inside and out and make her believe that she is every bit that brave and amazing little girl I know she is. I have to show her that while it may feel frightening and inconvenient at times she should never let it impede or define her. So tonight I will cry and tomorrow I will smile, make her laugh and hold her when she needs it.
Coffee, Chocolate & Xanax 